*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
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i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
It’s an epidemic…
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.