My chiropractor is a crack addict.
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Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.