Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
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I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Fat chances are my favorite chances
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Covid like
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.