If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
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[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Just say no
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?