When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
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I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Waiting for the Charmin
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.