Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
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If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.