Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
You Might Also Like
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense