[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
You Might Also Like
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA