Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
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Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
New favorite tiktok
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I hate everything
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.