One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
You Might Also Like
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
IT’S-A ME,
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.