Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
You Might Also Like
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.