[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
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“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I’ve had relationships like this
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.