I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
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I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.