it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
You Might Also Like
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Pigeon open mic night.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.