when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
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They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.