*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
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*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.