You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
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Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.