I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
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If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Great acting.. 😂
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same