when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
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Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
#ProTip
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.