Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
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I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Pigeon open mic night.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time