Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Beatonm5's best tweets

@Beatonm5 : Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I'm goin to google who made them & I'm going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

@Beatonm5: Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make

@Beatonm5: driverless cars????
I don't trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me .... by itself

@Beatonm5: Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

@Beatonm5: what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??

@Beatonm5: someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

@Beatonm5: skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

@Beatonm5: So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

@Beatonm5: what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

@Beatonm5: perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower