*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
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Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.