Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
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Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
These work great until they don’t.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
never deleting this app.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.