I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
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When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Oh my god
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.