My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
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Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.