I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
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We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
These aliens are taking forever.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to