i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
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After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
True
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.