HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
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I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]