Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
You Might Also Like
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Not😆🤣
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back