No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
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“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again