#ParentingFacts
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I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please