I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
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Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
i- i did not expect this
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan