“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
You Might Also Like
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]