“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
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We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children