I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
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Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
The Weeknd is back
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*