I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
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dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
are they though??
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear