“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
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Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Cheer up.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning