Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
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retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.