That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
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Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
⛄️
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”