Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
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I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
“OMGJK” -atheists
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay