If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
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If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”