I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
You Might Also Like
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
why would tinder want me to say this
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️