Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
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[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.