Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
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[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
my mom making me talk to relatives
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.