Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
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*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.