[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
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ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*