Beards are a privilege, not a right
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People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
A new level of troll.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)