*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
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*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
How dramatic are you?
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]