just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
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Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Meow?
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Trumpy Cat
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.