Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
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CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.