@BradBroaddus: My wife and I found each other on a dating website.........3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
@BradBroaddus: My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
@BradBroaddus: INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won't let you stay.
@BradBroaddus: My dancing style can best be described as "newborn gazelle being chased by lion."
@BradBroaddus: My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
@BradBroaddus: ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww...are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don't have a car.
@BradBroaddus: Got in a fight with the wife so I didn't let her sleep on the couch with me last night.