May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
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January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Yes
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.